


running on gasoline

by junxouji



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Polyamorous Character, Polyamory, References to Depression, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 13:30:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11358489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junxouji/pseuds/junxouji
Summary: Taeyong is a frightened, broken, pretty thing with two lovers eager to make him whole again.





	running on gasoline

**Author's Note:**

> As always thanks for the mods & participants. This was harder to write than I imagined.

_ And all the people say _

_ You can’t wake up, this is not a dream _

_ You’re apart of a machine, you are not a human being _

_ With your face all made up, living on a svreen _

_ Low on self-esteem so you run on gasoline _

 

  * Gasoline, Halsey



 

* * *

 

 

 

 

He can feel the  _ fear _ creeping up his skin and the warmness forming behind his eyelids as he desperately tries to keep it together. He couldn't afford another meltdown–not  _ here _ of all places with so many peering eyes on him.

 

They're all watching and waiting to  _ mock _ him.   _ Fucking mocking him _ . The thorn settles deep into his chest tearing jaded raw edges of his insides up so he's left with nothing but a bloodied and battered vulnerability. They want to  _ hurt _ him and he knows it. He can see it in their crimson greedy eyes like vultures waiting to devour him with their callous words and unwarranted criticism.

 

(It only occurs him later that no eyes had been on him at all.  _ What was he even running from _ ?)

 

Taeyong tries to keep it all neatly packed in himself as he opens his eyes pushing away those terribly dissociative thoughts from his mind that carried his hauntings like tumbleweeds. His glassy kind brown eyes open to peer at the familiar presences that  _ so  _ often act as anchors holding him down. His precious, precious,  _ precious  _ Jaehyun and Sicheng neither of which look at him with judgement or disappointment just overwhelming understanding. Sicheng moves first to close the space in the small hallway to take his hand and squeeze reminding him he is  _ there  _ and he is  _ fine _ . 

 

“Hyung? How did the casting go?” His voice is weak and soft with accented Korean. It warms spots of Taeyong that had been so horribly cold only seconds ago. They both knew how the casting went. It was the same every time but it never diminished the hope in either of his closest friends’ eyes.

 

“They said I wasn't a good fit.” He never was and it never failed to hurt each time to pour every bit of his soul into his dance for rejection. The fear looming on his horizon pops it’s ugly head to remind him that  _ maybe _ he would never been good enough. Maybe this was all hopeless and lost and pointless and–

 

“They're blind.” Sicheng says with such honest conviction it surprises Taeyong, “You're too good for  _ this _ agency Taeyongie-hyung. There must be better things in store for our great Taeyong. Isn't that right, Jae?” He was such a sweet boy always smiling and pushing forward despite whatever was thrown to him. Whereas Jaehyun meant protect Sicheng meant healing–together they were so good for Taeyong who was weak and damaged far more than he liked to admit.

 

Jaehyun steps closer as well a comforting hand pressing against his waist as if to remind  _ we are here and you are more than good enough  _ pulsing through the touch. “We'll support you every step of the way.” Jaehyun is different than Sicheng. He's firm, strong, and so young to have to be lifting Taeyong like this. There was something genuine and charming about the way he always provides a rock hard base for Taeyong to not lose himself. 

 

“Home.” Taeyong says because he doesn't trust himself to say more without letting the waterfalls of his hurt out. Both of the others know exactly what he needs and what he wants–sometimes the two conflict because what Taeyong wants isn't necessarily what he needs. He absolutely trusts the two to differentiate the two.

 

Sicheng holds his hand and Jaehyun walks closely by his side making sure their shoulders brush every now and again. The walk home from the agency which would be lumped into another that said  _ no  _ was short. The buses were crowded with the flow of noisy students and exhausted workers on their way home. Taeyong's head is buried against Sicheng’s shoulder and Jaehyun’s hand resting on his knee. Taeyong looks like everyone else torn down by life just desperate to lay in bed to refuel his ash ridden soul.

 

There was clarity in the dawning sun. Taeyong's eyes drifted out the window past Jaehyun watching the blue skies turn a dulling murky night. The day died and passed so the night could bloom from it's end.

 

He can hear the soft hums of voices around him. He registers that Jaehyun and Sicheng are muttering to each other quietly but it's all static that sounds much too far as he's lifted from his body and suspended in his mind that is so far,  _ far _ from the men he loves. Their voices have a tone of concern to it and he wants to open his mouth to reassure them  _ they're gonna be alright  _ but it doesn't cooperate with him. He doesn't even have the strength to muster one smile.

 

He wonders when their fires are going to burn out. Their care and love can only last so long before he wears them down to the rawness of frustration and bitterness. Taeyong knows he only brings so much agony in their lives. He was their hyung yet he had nothing to show for it. Instead, their pitying and concerned gazes always land on him. He just wanted them to be  _ fine _ and more importantly  _ happy _ . How could they be happy with him when he couldn't even manage to not break down each day at the smallest of rejections?

 

**SELFISH. PITIFUL. MISERABLE. LAUGHABLE. TAEYONG.** **  
** **SELFISH. PITIFUL. MISERABLE. LAUGHABLE. TAEYONG.** **  
** **SELFISH. PITIFUL. MISERABLE. LAUGHABLE. TAEYONG.**

 

Taeyong had a lot of fear for the day they both opened their eyes and saw him for what he was. He wondered how much longer it would take for them to realize he couldn't keep the demons from his head nor the devils in his chest?

 

“Hyung, it is our stop.” It's Jaehyun who speaks and helped him up from his seat. He doesn't know how his feet carry him from that bus to the front step of his shared apartment.

 

It's a rutty old thing. Everything is hanging together as well as Taeyong's emotions are but frankly it's all the three of them could afford in the heart of the city near their school and workplaces. It had been their home for nearly a year now. Sicheng could commute to his university and the cafe he worked part-time at easily. Jaehyun was out of school and moved back recently from the states to work at a small broadcasting station. Taeyong was freshly out of a university for dance seeking any type of employment that wasn't his bartending at a sleazy bar a short bus ride away. It wasn't ideal but they were together. 

 

“I'll cook.” Sicheng offered and Taeyong almost laughs. He must really look like shit if Sicheng is going to risk down burning their kitchen.

 

“It's fine. You can go shower or something. I'm not helpless.” Taeyong pinches the youthful cheek of his lover. Sicheng looks skeptical but when Jaehyun nods silently communicating  _ I'll watch him _ he moves then to shower as told. 

 

Taeyong rolls his sleeves and prepares their meal. Jaehyun hoovers offering assistance here and there when he can. Taeyong mostly trusts him with the rice cooker. He can feel Jaehyun’s eyes burning holes into his back as he stirs their meal careful to not burn it. He can hear the hum of Sicheng singing in the shower down the hall.

 

“I'm not falling apart.” Taeyong says staring into the red sauce decorating their rice cakes. 

 

“You don't need to convince me or Sicheng that, hyung. We wouldn't let you fall, we'd lunge from whatever or wherever to catch you.” Jaehyun says leaning against the counter, “It's only yourself you have to convince.”

 

“I wasn't telling you. I  _ was _ telling myself.” Taeyong says, “I have to be strong and dependable for you and Si. I cannot afford to dwell too long in these moods.”

 

Jaehyun’s brow creases as he moves forward to wrap his arms around the male. His chin finds it’s way on Taeyong’s shoulder as he presses his lips on the curve of his neck. Taeyong did not deserve to be so hard on himself. They were all working hard and it was just as much their responsibility as it was Taeyong’s. It did not and would not be the eldest’s burden alone. They were a team. In the end, Jaehyun would protect Taeyong even if it meant from himself.

 

Taeyong relaxes against him head tilting back as Jaehyun’s hands find their way to his stomach just resting there. He could feel the hammering heart of his lover pressed firmly against his back. Jaehyun’s fingers circle around his thin wrists and tug him away from the oven. “I’ll do it, hyung. Just rest.”

 

Taeyong allows himself to be pushed to sit at the table as Jaehyun makes his way around the kitchen finishing the last touches to their meal. He is not sure how he managed to deserve one person let alone two. They both sort of fell into his lap courting him both at the same time as if they had known Taeyong would accept them both. Perhaps, he seemed like a person prone to love? He never asked and he supposes it never really mattered  _ how _ only that it had.

 

He drifts off because he is exhausted. His eyes flutter shut and don’t open until a hand is shaking him gently awake. Sicheng is there with a soft smile as he helps him up as if he is fragile - he knows he means well but at times it makes him feel resentful. He should be the one helping the other, strengthening, and protecting him. 

 

He is groggy as he blinks through the confusion of sleep and the headache that shortly follows. It’s always like this as if something is beckoning him to just not wake up. It’s terrifying really.

 

“Dinner is ready.” Sicheng explains as he guides him to the kitchen. Jaehyun was already at the table with the food spread out. Taeyong is guided to a chair and Jaehyun is pressed against him almost immediately leaving a single kiss back on his temple. Sicheng is bringing a spoonful of food to his lips as Taeyong flushes, “Don’t be stubborn, hyung. We just want to take care of you.”

 

The thing is that Taeyong wants to be the one to take care of them but always finds himself in this position. They never complain and genuinely seem to enjoy doting on him which makes him feel worse. Somehow, against all odds, he has managed to have them in his life despite not deserving them in the slightest.

 

He opens his mouth obediently because he does not want to face Sicheng’s sulk or Jaehyun’s frown. The food tastes good so his night feels a little lighter to carry especially with the other two doing their best to distract him from his own ghosts.

 

“We love you, hyung.” Jaehyun says not one to be extremely verbal about his feelings. Taeyong looks up, eyes moist, and mouth open unsure when his eyes began to water. Sicheng and Jaehyun are both looking at him with patience, understanding, compassion, and care. There is not a second that goes by that Taeyong will ever take for granted.

 

“I love you both as well.” Taeyong says voice soft.

 

And he does. Love them. Beyond reason and capacity for his heart to hold. He may be full of flaws and mistakes but they make him feel as though he is nothing of that. Taeyong feels good with them and he feels as if the sun could burst from his chest. He adores them and is so grateful they adore him back. It’s why he never found their arrangement odd. Not when Sicheng is fixing his hair and Jaehyun’s arm is tight around him. No, this was Taeyong’s sort of perfect even it felt like hell was rising against him. He knew that waiting for him at home was his version of heaven.


End file.
